Dead Dog in a Briefcase

By: Cameron Bock

Posted: 10/2/09

So I'm dog-sitting for this couple while they're out on their five-year anniversary and it just straight up dies on me. I know, I know. It sucks. So what would you do? No, that's a horrible idea. Where would I find a guy willing to do that? No, so I called them and told them the truth. Honorable, I know. They weren't mad; the dog was old and they knew he had less than a year left anyway. Effin' saved. Everything's cool. They tell me their vet will take the dog and deal with the burial there at the local pet cemetery. So I hang up the phone and realize this place is pretty much on the opposite side of the city from their house. How do you cart a dead, twenty pound dog across a city without calling a lot of unwanted attention to yourself? Exactly, stuff it in a huge briefcase. So I'm lugging this dog across town, hoofing it, whatever. I go down to the subway and I'm looking at the map and this guy walks up, dressed pretty nice, got a collared shirt and some dressy shoes and whatever. You know, a typically nice guy I guess. He says, "Hey man, you need help carrying that? Looks pretty heavy," and I'm thinking like, "Man, I don't want this guy to start asking questions about whats so heavy in this case and what I'm doing," cause that would be super embarrassing and I could get a fine or something. Are there laws about dead animals in public here? No? Oh, well it didn't matter cause I was like, "No thanks bro, it's kind of expensive computer equipment and if anything bad happens to it, I'm totally responsible," and I'm thinking, "Oh yeah, totally saved that too. I'm pretty awesome," cause you know, everything's good now and whatever. So the train comes and the doors open and this dude pushes me in as the doors are closing and takes the briefcase and runs off! He stole it and I'm looking out the window like totally speechless cause what do I say now? "Hey, someone just stole my dead dog,"? So he shoots this look back at me like, "Gotcha, idiot," and I sit down and try to process what just happened and where I went wrong in my life. I eventually call the owners and tell them what happened expecting to get torn apart but after a few seconds of silence the husband starts laughing and the wife slowly asks, "So what do you think he did with it?" So there's like three scenarios I can think of how this ended for him. One, he goes home and realizes he just stole a corpse, privately, embarrassed but alone so nobody can see his horrible shame and confusion. Two, he runs up to street level and opens it right there, totally eager, and people walking by see this dude staring at a dead dog in a briefcase and are like, "Wow bro, that's messed up," or something humiliating like that. Finally three, my favorite, he takes the case straight to "his guy" in some dark alley or an abandoned warehouse somewhere and he's like, "Hey man I totally just jacked some sweet computer stuff," and they both open it and are looking at this dead dog and his guy is like, "Is this some kinda joke?" in a cool Joe Pesci, Goodfellas accent and then he gets shot in the face cause I guess that's how the black market works according to all those movies. But yeah, that's about it. Can't make this stuff up, man. You hungry? Let's get Chinese.