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Angry Ani Speaks Out: Christmas. Not Xmas!!!

By Ani Pytlewski
On December 8, 2011

(Singing) I'm dreaming of a white Christmas… NOT ALL OF THIS EFFING RAIN IN LYNDONVILLE.  Come on mother nature, it's December, give me some snow so I'll finally have something to do other than bitch about things that make me angry.  I feel like half of the students who go to LSC come here for skiing or snowboarding, spend half a year waiting for the temperature to drop, pray for the first fresh whomping pile of snow, and when it hasn't even come by DECEMBER, they get a little pissed.  On top of all the waiting, we don't even get some sunshine, we get rain, and if you didn't know by now, rain, water sports, and being wet in general, make me angry.  So for the sake of Lyndon State College's hood-rat population, SNOW!

"Nom nom nom." Guess what I'm doing?  Eating you say? WRONG.  I'm mocking every dumbass that has to say that everytime they ingest food into their mouth.  Don't people know they shouldn't eat with their mouth open, let alone verbalize that they're eating, WHILE EATING?!  Nom Nom Nom-ing makes me angry.

Back to the whole subject of Christmas, which is one of my favorite times of year, there's a few things people do that just agitate me this time of year.  One: People who post a countdown until Christmas as their facebook status every single day until Christmas.  What's worse is when it's like 89 degrees out in the middle of summer and some moron posts their status as, "Only 112 days until Christmas! :)"  REALLY? You just get out of a swimming pool and THAT'S what comes to your mind?!  That makes me angry.

Two:  The abbreviation "xmas," makes me angry.  I really can't elaborate that much on this because how much can I possibly say?  I mean when I see "X" in front of something I think of the word "cross."  For example, XC = CROSS country.  LAX = laCROSSe.  RAILROAD XING = railroad CROSSING.  XMAS DOES NOT = CROSSMAS.  I swear the person to coin that abbreviate must have been drunk or illiterate. 

Inflatable Santa's, reindeers, snowmen, snow globes, and Christmas-clad Winnie the Poohs make me angry.  Yeah that's right, there is a person in Lyndonville who has an inflatable Winnie the Pooh, in a sleigh being pulled by that freaking donkey with a Santa hat on. WHY?  What ever happened to like, dare I say the corny clichéd, "true meaning of Christmas?"  I don't even mean the whole religion aspect either – I just want to know where the hell Winnie the Pooh gets off replacing Santa?!  Bottom line, inflatable anything, pisses me off.

Finally, on the subject of tacky-ass Christmas decorations, multicolored Christmas lights are just straight irritating.  Really? ROY-G-BIV?  For Christmas? No people.  There's just so many colors, I feel like I should be in a candy store.  In my opinion, Jewish people keep it classy around the holidays; white lights are where it's at.  However, if you really have some odd fetish for multicolored lights, or a personal vendetta against white lights, might I suggest the exception – the multicolored blue, green, red, and white lights.  I actually have to say they make a nice match, and it's an agreeable equilibrium on my eyes…

So there you have it bitches, all of the things about the holidays that make me angry.  I guess, in spite of the holiday spirit though, I'll list a couple of things that make me really happy this time of year:  SNOW, candy canes, cheesy-ass Christmas carols, the movie Elf, people who put wreath's on the front of their cars, the fact that last year around this time I discovered Ocean State Job Lot, sugar on snow, and most importantly THE END OF THIS SEMESTER.  HAPPY HOLIDAYS BITCHES!

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