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Angry Ani Speaks Out: Cute Food and Pet Names: REALLY? REALLY?

By Ani Pytlewski

On October 14, 2011

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I'M BACK BITCHES! So you made it two weeks without having to hear about how angry I am, but think of that as a vacation, because two weeks later, I'm Ani and I'm angry.

When I woke up this morning for breakfast I had a bagel. One freaking average sized whole-wheat bagel. Notice how I didn't say MINI bagel. Why? Because mini bagels make me angry.

First of all, I don't understand what people's fascination with miniature food is. Like White Castle sliders, make me angry. They probably taste just as good if they weren't sized in proportion to an infant. I also hear people make the argument, "Oh but they just look so cute," or "They're smaller so we don't eat as much."

As for all of these excuses for the creation of mini bagels – these even piss me off. The "cute" argument is junk. Why the hell do people want to eat "cute" food?! It's not like you see a baby in someone's arm and think, "Oh that baby is so cute, I have to ingest it." NOOOO.

Cute food makes me angry. And referring back to the eating less argument, we're in America, not France, and I don't care who you are, if you're above the age of seven, you're probably making more than one mini bagel for breakfast whether you like it or not, which once again defeats the purpose of those dumbass mini bagels.

Autocorrect makes me angry. There's nothing more frustrating than typing a message on my phone and every time I type the word "like" my phone autocorrects it to "Kirk."

REALLY iPHONE!?

Want some more examples of autocorrections that piss me off? When I type "what," it autocorrects to "whatchamacallit," "bitch" becomes "blotch," "smile" becomes "Smirnofficeraspberry."

Honestly I really don't understand what the hell autocorrect is thinking sometimes. And Smirnoff ice makes me want to heave. If autocorrect knew anything about me, it would know that gin and tonic is maaah draaank, but that's irrelevant. Bottom line:

AUTOCORRECT makes me ANGRY.

You know what makes me really angry? Nevermind, I can't tell you. Just forget about it… THAT! THAT MAKES ME ANGRY! When people start to tell me something I don't know and just freaking stop, I get livid. Just tell me! You can't do that, you can't just start to tell me something and not finish it. Things like that will drive me crazy until I know. It's like a verbal tease. It makes me very, very angry.

Lastly, pet names in relationships make me angry. Let me clarify, it's not the people who use the pet names that make me angry, it's the pet names themselves that make me angry.

For example, calling someone your "pumpkin," "baby," or "cupcake," all qualify as pet names that piss me off. If my boyfriend ever called me "pumpkin" I honestly don't even know what the hell my reaction would be. Oh wait, yeah I do; I would thank him for calling me a gigantic, round, squash that grew off of a vine. Or what about "baby" - aka a fetus that recently came out a mother's vagina. Basically, pet names really freaking annoy me.

Ahh, it's such a relief to let everyone know what makes me angry, but crap still pisses me off. Why is that? It's because I'm Ani, and I'm angry, and all you bitches get to read about it.