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Hockey for dummies

An in depth look at the NHL playoffs for those who don't know hockey

By Chris Peltier
On April 15, 2011



Lightning vs Penguins – This one seems like a no brainer to me. Lightning can strike whenever it wants. It don't give a shit. Sometimes in the same place twice. Or even more. It's unpredictable; electric. Penguins just waddle around. Lightning can strike a penguin whenever it wants. Zeus can aim wicked good too. Penguin attacks on lightning are way more rare. Even if they see lightning, well it's just too late. Although penguins are much more acclimated to ice, lightning can melt ice. So the Lightning will win, dummy.  WINNERS = LIGHTNING

Bruins vs. Canadians – USA all the way. Bruins, I have found out, are a type of bear. Scary! Canadians are lazy in nature. Although they don't completely wuss out of fighting in major wars (I'm looking at you, Switzerland), they are a relative non-factor, like the WNBA draft on ESPN. Canadians love hockey, so that's a point for them, but bears love eating humans. Although poor ones, Canadians are still humans. Have you seen the Bruins jersey? FUUUROCIOUS! WINNERS = BRUINS

Rangers vs Capitals

Yawn. What boring logos. The Capitals are from Washington D.C. and this is the best they could do? Why not the Washington Watergates: stealing victories since 1972! But the New York Rangers? This isn't the wild west. According to Wikipedia (so you know it's true) in principle, a ranger is a person charged with "ranging over" and protecting an area of countryside. Um, hello? Have you seen New York! Wicked um countryside! It's like a concrete jungle or something! So they're just wrong. Plus Dave Marks likes the Rangers, and Dave Marks sucks. WINNERS = CAPITALS


Flyers vs Sabres.

Sabres? I don't follow…whats a sab-ray? OH! SABER! You're trying to say Saber! I don't speak freaky-deeky French. How can an American team so hastily throw away its roots and use the French spelling. Sabers are swords; powerful. The French are weak. Although Ricky Paparo likes the Flyers, and Ricky Paparo also sucks, I still give the edge to Philadelphia here. At least they didn't piss on the stars and stripes while they named their team. Give me some freedom fries, liberty toast, and constitutional kissing any day. USA! USA! WINNERS = FLYERS



Blackhawks vs. Canucks – Isn't Canuck a racial slur? How can we name teams after words that have been used to demean an entire race? (I'm looking at you Cleveland Indians, Washington Redskins, Kansas City Chiefs, and Toronto Raptors [Dinosaurs have feelings too…and I bet they wouldn't want to be referred to in the same sentence as "Toronto". Does anyone?]). Hey, wait a minute… the Blackhawks aren't dark colored birds of prey like I initially thought…their logo is a Native American! This is just a battle of the politically incorrect. It's like watching Don Imus fist-fight Rush Limbaugh. But enough about dinosaurs. Both teams need to have a long hard look at their logos. How about something less offensive, like the Chicago Windys and the Vancouver Northern Seattles? Well, a winner must be picked, and I go USA ALL THE WAY! WINNERS=BLACKHAWKS

Kings vs Sharks – This ones a toughie. On one hand you have the assumed regal power of the Kings. Monarchs don't lose. EVER. Oh wait a minute, how'd that work out of you, England? Sharks on the other hand are very badass, and have often been referred to by scholars as "The kings/winners/doctors of the ocean". The Kings leave their realm ambiguous; I don't know what they rule. Certainly not Los Angeles. Finding a hockey fan in LA is as hard as finding a Clipper fan. People just don't care. And neither do I. Oh! I just noticed both teams are from California! Weeeeeirrrrd. WINNERS=SHARKS 


Predators vs Ducks.

The Ducks? Didn't they used to be the Mighty Ducks? Huh. Must have had to change the name when Coach Bombay retired and Averman got his third DUI. Not to mention Charlie Conway is a little bitch. "Oh you need a spot on the team? I'll sit and give up personal glory because I suck anyway!". What a squid. But I digress. Predators hunt weaker animals. The duck is a weaker animal. No brainer…it's the circle of life. (Bonus points if the Elton John song from The Lion King didn't just run through your head. If it didn't before, I bet it is now.) WINNERS = PREDATORS.


Coyotes vs Red Wings

Coyotes are people-smugglers, and I don't fully understand why someone would name a hockey team after them. Oh well. I wasn't exactly sure what a Red Wing was, so I looked it up in the dictionary (UrbanDictionary, that is). MY GOD. WHO WOULD NAME A TEAM AFTER THAT. THAT IS SO GROSS. By default: advantage people smugglers. WINNERS = COYOTES. 

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