An Immodest Proposal

Something stinks on this campus.

The smell violates your nostrils, invades your brain and sticks to your clothing. It leaves a sour taste in your mouth, and gives you angry thoughts that are impossible to shake the remainder of the day.

I'm not being metaphorical about the faculty cuts; something literally stinks. I'm talking Vail elevators. It's a stink that makes even the stinkiest stank seem unstinky. We got the funk, but not the kind George Clinton wanted. As soon as you get within twenty feet of the mechanical malodor you have to plug your nose or risk being raped by the smell, which is reminiscent (scent…see what I did there?) of three hundred prostitutes standing naked after a long days work in a fish market on a day where temperatures are in the mid to high nineties. And yes I know what that smells like… New Jersey is a weird place. But I digress.

This is a serious issue. God has blessed me with an overall pretty functionally sound body. I am perfectly able to take the stairs. However, I believe the elevator should at least be an option for a tired hallway traveler, and right now they simply aren't. Someone told me they smell the way they do because they run on vegetable oil. If that's what a machine running on vegetable oil smells like we need to nip this in the bud. Imagine driving around with vegetable oil cars all over the road expelling Vail elevator smell?

It may be Al Gore's wet dream, but it's my nightmare. Don't get me wrong; I am an ecosystem enthusiast. The environment is enjoyable, and it sure makes for a good habitat. But some things just aren't worth it. For example, I'm also seeing more and more hand dryers pop up in bathrooms. What kind of sick asshole invented the hand dryer? If he's not dead yet he should be, and if he is I'm going to dance on his grave. Paper towels were doing the job just fine. If it ain't broke don't fix it. You need to stand with your wet hands under that thing for like five minutes to get them even semi dry. I don't have time to wait for my hands to dry when I'm in the thunder box. It's an in and out operation. It's the same sad story every time. I wash my hands, put my hands under the dryer for about ten seconds, it does nothing, so I wipe them on my sweats and everyone who sees me for the next half hour thinks I got major splash back from the urinal. "Hey look, it's piss pants kid!" Its not a good image and I blame the hand dryers directly. But again I digress.

So people, I don't have an easy answer. I don't know how to destinkify the Vail elevators. What I do know is we need to take action to fight this assault on our olfaction. (That means sense of smell...I had to look it up. Hey, there's a reason we all go to Lyndon, right? I got hooked on phonics at a very young age and wasn't able to kick the habit, and no other school would have me. God bless the 99.9% acceptance rate!) I will be submitting a formal appropriations request to the SGA as soon as possible so action may be taken. Imagine taking a tour group into that elevator? Is that the image we want to portray? That our school stinks? It's like when your girlfriend sees that room in your house where you keep your human thumb collection; it's just embarrassing.

            Listen, I know with the cuts being made we're trying to tighten the collective belt on campus, and destinkifying elevators might not be at the top of the SGA's list. However, I'm guessing if every student donates as little as one quarter we can get this done. And according to WikAnswers, a hand dryer saves 90 percent more money than paper towels. It's on the internet so it has to be true. So I guess we have to keep those. But lets start with destinkifying the elevators, which in turn will stop scaring prospective students away, which will raise enrollment. Jack up tuition another three or twelve percent, plus some car washes and bake sales and that $700,000 will be raised in no time. Or, if the SGA wants to give me $100,000, my boy Stavros and I can make it $1,000,000 in a month, I just can't tell you how. But trust me, Stavys got the hook up.

            By the way, since I know you all were wondering, Harry McLeckie invented the hand dryer. (Not to be confused with Alexandre Godefoy, who of course invented the handheld hair dryer.) I could not find the status of Harry's life, so unfortunately the grave dancing is still up in the air. If he is still alive I'll just frown and dance real somber in a dark room. Quite literally "grave dancing". Until next time: Remember, the right lane is for driving, the left lane is for passing.

So stay in the right lane unless you're passing. 

Disclaimer: The figures in this column are not pursued as fact, just satirical comic relief. The views and opinions expressed in this column are not necessarily the views and opinions of The Critic or its staff.