Ryan's Review: "Lulu" by Lou Reed and Metallica

There have been many great collaborations in music throughout the years. Bob Dylan and Johnny Cash, Jay-Z and Kanye West, Dr.Dre and Eminem, DJ Jazzy Jeff and the Fresh Price. You see what I'm getting at here. Those are all prime examples of great artists getting together and making good music; there's also nothing unusual about them what so ever, they compliment each other in such fine ways.

Then, once in every blue moon, we get something so odd, so random, so out of left field; we sit and scratch our heads and ask "Why? Why did this, of all things, have to happen?" The most recent, most prime example of collaboration like this would be the project known as Lulu by Lou Reed, of the Velvet Underground fame, and Metallica.

I'm just going to throw this right out there; this album is the most grandiose train wreck of a failed experiment that my ears have ever had the displeasure to hear. It's so epically bad that I really do want to recommend it to anyone with the time and patience to listen to it in full, but I will save you the absolute displeasure of listening. I say that because this album is frustratingly bad. I honestly found my self getting angry for how long and drawn out these songs were. Not only are these songs long and drawn out, the longest being the last track "Junior Dad" finishing up at a "modest" 19 minutes and 30 seconds, but the lyrics and faux avant garde noise that Metallica is making in the background just bleeds pretentiousness.

First lets focus on the terrible, almost seemingly Alzheimer inspired ramblings of Mr. Lou Reed, who penned the album's lyrics. The album was written as the sound track to a performance of 2 German plays Reed was producing in the near future. Every song is essentially a narrative of what is happening in the plays. I will admit, I have not read a single page of the plays Reed writes about but I think that he completely missed the mark of the literature, or the literature is just that bad. Don't believe me? I will list a few lyrics from songs on the album completely verbatim. "I am the tablet!" - from the song "The View". "I dreamt of breezes going through the treeses And stars were still illumed I have three hearts that I keep apart Trying to relate" - from the song "Brandanburg Gate".  "Will you adore the river The stream, the trickle The tributary of my heart" from "Pumping Blood".  I know what you're thinking, "These are taken out of context, no one would write lyrics like that especially the great Lou Reed. They make no sense in this context!!" That's where you're wrong, they don't even make sense in context, and those lyrics were only from the first 3 songs. This album consists of 87 minutes worth of gems like these. Spoken word can be such a powerful genre and Lulu manages to just kill it completely. 

So, how's the music from Metallica? Is it heavy? Is it fast? Is it nice and intense? Nope. It is honestly the most boring, trite, sporadic soundtrack to the ramblings of an aging Lou Reed. There's really no good way to describe anything about it, it's so cut and dry. It has no musical direction what so ever, it's not music it is literally filler noise in the background. At times, they sound like 14 year-old musicians trying to figure out how to write their own first song. That's all I have to say about that.

            If I haven't scared you away from Lulu then just take a look at the cover in all honesty, that should scare you straight. This is the worst album of the year and should have never even been developed in the first place. If you want to be put into a bad mood, or have a really good laugh then listen to this, otherwise don't waste your time.

I'm truly saddened this exists/10

Tracks you'll like: Listen to something else, like Odd Future or something.

Tracks to skip: Lulu by Lou Reed and Metallica.