Your Facebook Default and Your Collegiate Being: A Brief Analysis

Your Car – "Check out da whip!". I drive a two toned '99 Outback. It should be taken "Outback" and driven off a cliff. So maybe my resentment is due to my lack of "fly wheels", but your Facebook should be a reflection of who you are, not what you drive. This isn't Carfax.

Your Truck – Similar to the car owner, but trying to highlight their ruggedness. Well, congrats, you own a truck! Tell the whole Internet! Guess how many friends come out of the woodwork when they need to move something? Way to go dumbass. The only time you should have a picture of your truck as your profile is if you own a monster truck, specifically Grave Digger. So unless your name is Dennis Anderson, which it isn't, you shouldn't.

Your Motorcycle – Similar to both car and truck, except you want people to know you flirt with danger. No, not by practicing radical beliefs or asking tough questions about society, but by riding around like a jackass on two wheels at high speeds. "But it's such a rush!" So is cooking meth, but you don't see me stocking up on Sudafed. Plus, there's a vehicle that balances itself while it drives and protects you from the elements. It's called a car. It's easier to drive. Also, it's way harder to masturbate on a motorcycle.

A Cartoon Character From Your Childhood – That movement ended a while ago. Now you just look foolish. Also, my friend Mike thinks it was a conspiracy by sex offenders to try to friend kids easier (since kids love cartoons, right?) He also believes that McDonalds gets a special batch of Coke that tastes better than other fast food chains, and asks questions such as "Who invented standing in line?" (To which we respond "Well, someone wanted to do something, started doing it, and while he was doing it someone else came and wanted to do it, so he stood near it, then someone else came after that, and stood behind the other person, etc.") At least we like to believe it was that simple. There are so many complicated questions in life that sometimes it's just easier to believe in a simple answer. But are there simple answers to questions such as "What was Hey Arnold's last name?" and "Where exactly in the world is Carmen Sandiego?" and "What would you do if your son was at home, crying all alone on the bedroom floor because he is hungry? And the only way to feed him is to sleep with a man for a little bit of money. Keep in mind his daddy's gone, somewhere smoking rock now, in and out of lockdown, and he aint got a job now. So for you this is just a good time but for me this is what I call life, alright." No. No there isn't.

Partying – You like to drink beer?!?! You must be cool. I want to party with you. Only cool kids drink beer. Beer makes you cool. And is that a bong I see on the table in the background? You devil! Throw some porn stars, hard booze and cocaine in there and it sounds like Charlie Sheen's weekend. But I'm sure your future employer will LOVE to see this sort of behavior from someone applying for a job. But don't worry; they definitely won't Facebook your name. It's not like almost everyone, including the adults who control whether or not you get a job, have a Facebook. And it's not like it's human nature to be curious about what people post about themselves on an open social network. People don't care about learning about other people's personal lives…especially when it can be done online and without a face-to-face conversation. None of that is true. In fact, I don't know how Facebook has managed to survive as long as it has…

Your Baby – This is one that will be more common as the years wear on. Someday, we'll all get jobs, get married, have children, no longer be able to drink on weekdays and before noon…ahh the real world. But now, in this moment as a college student, enjoy being a normal college student. You have the rest of your life to be miserable and clean up puke and shit. Unless you live in a frat house…then you probably already clean up puke and shit.

Your WoW Character – You'll get laid someday…but she'll take longer to inflate than you had hoped; or cost money and have an angry pimp.

A Photobooth Picture- Someone got a new MacBook! Or loves drugs…. or both.

A Picture of Someone Else- I actually think this would be pretty funny. Everyone just take a picture of one of your random friends and set it as your own. If everyone did it, it would really fuck with the people who just look at just the pictures on News Feeds. It's like those tests in middle school where the first instruction is "read all instructions", and then the next ten instructions tell you to do crazy shit, and the last direction is "disregard all directions, pass in blank for a 100". If any professors are reading this, you should give one of those tests. You'd be surprised.

[Author's Note: I will admit openly I have been an offender in many of these categories. But we all make mistakes. Vince McMahon started the XFL. The NFL booked the Black Eyed Peas for half time. Eddie Murphy made The Adventures of Pluto Nash.  My parents had me.  It is through reflection and consideration of past errors that we learn and grow as a society. On a related note, anyone else think Paul Pierce kind of looks like a catfish? Google it, it's wild.]